Conflict

 Many of us have seen the bracelets or the t-shirts with the letters WWJD. “What would Jesus do?”

As Christians we sometimes laugh at those four trendy letters that are meant to remind us to handle life’s obstacles in the way Jesus would.

Conflict is definitely an obstacle that most of us simply just try to avoid. Yet, if we’ve lived life long enough, we come to realize that conflict is usually unavoidable. The opportunity for conflict arises in every aspect of our lives; at work, school, in families, with friends and yes, even in our churches. The interesting thing is that as Christians we many times approach conflict as if we have no point of reference or guide. We may ask the question “What would Jesus do?” but are we prepared to live into the answer?

When we talk about being Jesus in the world, we sometimes only equate that to helping, healing and caring. We don’t often enough relate Jesus to conflict resolution and so when a conflict arises, we, well…. just try to dodge the conflict.

If we turn to Matthew 18:15-18 we see that not only did Jesus address conflict; He gave us some very specific ways to handle it.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. ¹⁶ But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. ¹⁷ If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

In other words, If a brother or sister in the faith hurts you, angers you, saddens you, or does you wrong in any way…you go and talk to them about it directly, one on one.

Notice it doesn’t say “If another believer sins against you, go tell other people about it or post something on Facebook or Twitter about it.” Well of course it doesn’t, because, well, those things didn’t exist. But the point being made here is that we are to go directly to the person. We don’t write them a letter or e-mail them our complaint or tell other people how upset this person has made us.

We are to go to the person and have a conversation in private. I can only imagine how many conflicts between people would be solved if only we followed just this first part of Jesus’ guidance. The hope we see in the following line is that through conversation, peace is made between the two. 

(I would say in this day of Covid a phone call would be a respectable substitute if talking in person can’t be done.)

But what if the other person refuses to hear you, or becomes angry and hurtful? First we have to say here that a successful conversation does not always mean two people will walk away from it agreeing on the same thing. If someone has been hurt, an apology is appropriate. If there is a disagreement on how to handle something, sometimes people will just have to agree to disagree in a polite respectful way.

Now, in the case of this being a work or church situation this might go deeper than just personal feelings. It  tells us in vs.16 what to do if our private one on one doesn't go well.  “But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.”

This means you have another conversation with this person but this time you bring along one or two others. We have to be careful not to interpret this as an opportunity to “gang-up” on someone. That’s not what this is about. These would have to be two discerning people who could help to see the situation from a fair and neutral stand point. They become witness’ to the conversation, again keeping this exchange confidential and respectful.

Finally, it says if that doesn’t work.. “If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

This has different applications in different settings. In a secular work setting this would mean two or more employees meet with the person in question and a supervisor or manager, if the first two attempts at conversation didn’t seem to help. In a church setting this would mean two or more church members going to the church council or pastor together to help to work through the conflict.

Now that last line seems a bit harsh doesn’t it? “Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” At that you might say “Is that really what Jesus said?” Yes it is, but let’s put that into a little context based on what we know of Jesus. Let’s remember Matthew was a tax collector. Jesus asked Matthew to “follow him” and he did; but there were others whom Jesus was available to, that just couldn’t follow him.

Matthew 19:16-22 A man came to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to have eternal life?”

¹⁷ Jesus answered, “Why do you ask me about what is good? Only God is good. But if you want to have eternal life, obey the law’s commands.”

¹⁸ The man asked, “Which ones?”

Jesus answered, “‘You must not murder anyone, you must not commit adultery, you must not steal, you must not tell lies about others, ¹⁹ you must respect your father and mother,’^[a] and ‘love your neighbor^[b] the same as you love yourself.’^[c]”

²⁰ The young man said, “I have obeyed all these commands. What else do I need?”

²¹ Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, then go and sell all that you own. Give the money to the poor, and you will have riches in heaven. Then come and follow me!”

²² But when the young man heard Jesus tell him to give away his money, he was sad. He didn’t want to do this, because he was very rich. So he left.

 

We all have an opportunity to do what is right; to heal relationships and to do what Jesus does. Sometimes it's not about money like it is in this text; sometimes it's simply about things like pride or bitterness getting in the way. No one is outside of an invitation from Christ, but here’s the thing; Jesus didn’t chase the man. Jesus didn’t try to convince the man. Jesus had an open invitation that simply wasn’t accepted. The man walked away….not Jesus.

 

Jesus says to his disciples as he sends them out into the world “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”  In other words just because we go into the world with the heart of Jesus, does not mean we will always be treated that way in return.

 

When the final line talks of Tax Collectors and Pagans, it simply means the people who aren’t able to follow in Jesus ways. The people who would rather be angry or hold a grudge or stay bitter.  When those things are in a person’s heart they cannot do what Jesus would do.

 

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

 

Colossians 3:12-14 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

 

This time of Lent is a good time to reflect on how we approach conflict. Does our reaction follow Jesus’ guidance? If it doesn’t we might want to ask why? The church is a place this behavior should start as a model to the world. If we don’t have forgiveness, grace and mercy in our churches then I’m not sure we are really being the “church”.  

Forgiveness is meant to be at the core of who we are, and to be honest with you, if we can’t do it between ourselves in the church, how can we ever be agents of reconciliation in the world? Again this isn't about agreeing, but being able to disagree with another in a respectful and peaceful way. 

Also, if you are on the receiving end of someone wanting to “talk” about their gripe with someone else, simply say “Have you talked to the person about it?” By doing this you are helping them to handle things appropriately.

 

So let’s not just ask WWJD. Let’s listen to his guidance and follow in his ways. Resolving conflict in a faithful loving way is one way to bring peace to a turbulent world. If we who claim to be followers of Christ truly follow Jesus’ way, I think we’ll find we have much more peace in our lives and ultimately the world.