My Story

The small girl sat on her mothers bed, twisting the tiny statue in her hands.  

It was bedtime which meant time for prayers. 

This night was different though, because instead of her mother sitting on the edge of her bed, she now sat on her mothers bed, eager to start their bedtime ritual.  

Her mother had become suddenly ill a few hours before.  She wasn't feeling well and the small girl sensed her discomfort as she squirmed to find a comfortable place in the bed beside her.  

The tiny statue she held in her hand was a statue of praying hands.  It was something her grandfather had given her and it usually sat on top of her dresser. She loved that statue because it held such strength and hope.   It seemed the perfect gift for someone who didn't feel well.  She handed it to her mother with a hug.  "This is for you so you'll feel better" she said.

Her mother could barely open her eyes because of the horrible headache, but smiled weakly and said "Thank you".  She placed the statue on her nightstand and  they said prayers together. She kissed her mother goodnight.

That was the last time she saw her mother.

During the night her mother was taken to the hospital....She had suffered a stroke and died.

The days and years that followed were difficult and very very uncertain.  There was anger.  Fighting. Everything around her started to change.  Her father, her family,  her home, her school.  The adults in her life were arguing about what to do with her and how to take care of her.  She felt like a burden to everyone.  

She cried herself to sleep at night.  She wasn't doing well in school.  She just didn't care.  She sat in class day dreaming instead of paying attention.  The teachers would say "That girl has her head in the clouds!" One teacher put her desk out in the hallway in frustration when she felt like she just couldn't get through.  Her father was constantly being called to school for a conference and he came home angrier each time.  She was giving up.  Just existing...was exhausting.

On the day she found out they would be moving from the only home she ever knew, she felt like she could take no more.  Her heart was broken from all the loss and change.  Everything she knew was gone and she felt alone.  She was passing by her parents room and saw her mothers nightstand.  Sitting there in the same place her mother had placed them, three years before, were the praying hands.   She went over to the tiny statue and sat on the edge of the bed.  

She picked up the statue and twisted it in her hands.  Tears overflowed in her eyes and poured down her face.  "God why?" "Why did you take my mother away?...non of this would be happening if she was still here!"

She took the statue and walked out of the bedroom.  She went to her room and opened up her piggy bank.  She shoved all of its contents into her pocket and walked down the stairs and out the front door.  Crying.  Desperately crying...and angry. As she walked out her front door and down her street her stride quickened.  At the corner of her block was a church.  "Gods house" her mother had told her.  Well she had some questions for God today.

She opened the heavy door into the dim, chilly sanctuary.  The lights were off but a little sunlight broke through the stained glass windows.  She walked to the alter where there were candles.  This was a Catholic church.  You could kneel at the alter, light a candle and pray.   There was also a collection box that you could put a donation in.

She began to shove all of her money into the box. "TAKE IT!" She said, tears streaming as she pushed each paper bill through the tiny slit.  Sadness and anger as tears flowed and blurred her vision.  She pushed the last bit of money through and bowed her head.  Trembling, shaking....she sobbed.

"Why? Why would you do this God?  What have I done wrong?  I need my mother!  I'm only 9! Every adult in my life seems to be going crazy!  I have to change schools now and leave the only friends I know.  My father has become an angry man.  He gave away my dog and two cats without even telling me! He and my aunt fight over who should be taking care of me!  I am so alone God...and I just don't understand! I'm so afraid and so very very alone!!!"

She closed her eyes and let the tears flow.  Fists clenched in anger and hurt.  Such hurt.

At that moment the chilly sanctuary began to warm.  She suddenly felt as if someone placed a blanket over her shoulders.  Warmth.  Undeniable warmth.  She opened her eyes and looked behind her.  There was no one behind her.  The warmth continued and the only way she could describe it was to say it felt like a hug.  A big, warm hug.  The light in the sanctuary changed too.  She blinked several times to clear her tears.  It was as if a light was turned on.  

Each stained glass window was brightly lit and the colors looked more vivid than before.  She unclenched her fists. Then it was as if someone whispered in her ear....the thought was so clear.   "Don't be afraid. I am with you and I will always be with you.  I will take you through everything you have to face.  You will never be alone."

Now she felt like she must be going crazy...but the feeling was undeniable.  Tears came now...but they were different.  It was a release.  It was a feeling of surrender.  A peace like she had never felt before came over her.  A calm.  A reassurance.  A strength she had not felt before.  The warmth she had felt on the outside filled her to the bone.  

She stopped crying and each muscle in her body seemed to relax.  This other feeling was so far from how she had felt just a moment before. Peace.  She no longer felt fear of the future, but peace for the future.  She couldn't say why....she had no answers as to what her future held, but she did know one thing very very clearly...

 It was going to be alright.  She was going to be alright. Because He said so.

 She didn't know how or why.  She didn't know what the next moment, day or year held.

As she walked home...back to the uncertainty and chaos of her life...she had something that she didn't have before.  She had HOPE.  A hope she knew could have only come from one place.  God.  She knew he wasn't going to take the burdens out of her life....but that he most certainly would be there with her every step of the way through them, and that gave her comfort, peace and hope.

Many years later she looked back and smiled because he had kept his promise through the years.  He didn't take hard circumstances away....but she always felt his loving presence beside her.  One day many years in the future she began to read the Bible.  

The now grown woman who prayed and talked to this wonderful God regularly,  had never done that before, but the thought of getting to know Gods word intrigued her. She wanted to understand his story more.  She wanted to know why this amazing and loving God had stuck by her all these years.  Each story was captivating.  He had given strength to so many...not always taking away a burden, but walking through it with each and every person.

Just like her.

She came upon Isaiah 41:10 one day while reading and her heart skipped a beat.....tears filled her eyes.  She had to put the Bible down while she wept...tears of joy.  It was his promise to her that he had made those many years before.

Do not fear, for I am with you

Do not be afraid, for I am your god;

I will strengthen you, I will help you, 

I will hold you with my victorious right hand. 

Isaiah 41:10

This was not just his promise to her...but to all his people.  A promise that she knew he kept.  A promise she wanted to share with the world.  To tell people..."He loves you!  Don't be afraid!  He'll take you through whatever it is you're going through!  I know because he has done that for me!"

That little girl crying out to God in the church that day was me.

This story is my story....my testimony.

As I type this my hope is that you will understand Gods love just a little bit more.  His promise to me is his promise to you.  I know because he has shown me that through my life.

God is with you.

He will take you through.

Don't be afraid.

-Pastor Patti